GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- CAMPING 2000


 17. 03/31/91  "CAMPING 2000"
 Writer: Steve Pepoon / Director: Dean Parisot

 It's time for Fred's regular solo camping trip, but Chris and Larry 
 manage to convince Fred to let them go along.  Once Fred manages to
 lose them in the woods, Chris and Larry eat wild berries which cause
 them to believe Fred is a homicidal maniac out for blood.

    Beautiful Woman ... Theresa Ring



(kitchen)

Gladys -- Sounds like you're excited about your camping trip.
Fred -- I am. It's nice to occasionally get the hell away from here. 
Gladys -- And It's nice to occasionally have you the hell away.
Chris -- Well, if I were to believe the many voices droning on in my head
right now, I guess it's time for the annual "Chris becomes fatherless big
weekend bash blowout" huh?
Fred --  Jeeze, I was hoping to avoid this for once. Gladys you hold him down
and I'll make a break for the car 
Chris -- No, father, father, no that won't be necessary I'll, I'll just stay
right here and drown my sorrows in a big heaping glass of nutritious glass of
ovalteen. Rich, chocolatie, fishie, ovalteen.  
Fred -- Jeeze. We go through this same thing every year. 
Gladys -- And every year it gets worse. 
Fred -- Chris it's like I've always promised you--when you're a little older
you can go with me, but for now I just hate having to tone down my language. 
Chris -- But Dad, c'mon I'm thirty-years old. You know don't have to mind
your p's and q's around me, ya old son of a sea cookie. C'mon, it was always
my dream to go with you.  
Fred -- It was always my dream to be born sterile. But life tends to stink
like that.
Chris --  Okay alright I can see that you wanna to bargain tough fine. I'll
make th ultimate sacrifice.  I promise I shall not be a pain in the butt. 
Fred -- Chris I don't want to send you into sugar shock but for you that's
just not possible. 
Gladys -- Fred maybe a weekend in the woods will give you two a chance to
finally bond and I've never had a weekend away from Chris. It's not
fair--it's just not fair.
Fred -- Alright woman. But if you ruin my weekend, I'll kill you. 
Chris -- Oh thank you Dad. Thanks. And your not gonna regret this either. Hey
listen can Larry come along? He just happens to be standing to be standing
right outside our kitchen door here.
Fred -- Well, I guess it's payback for killin' a guy in another life.

Fred -- C'mon you girls move it.
Chris -- Stop stepping on my heels. 
Larry -- I didn't it was a groundhog.
Chris -- You filthy liar. Everybody know groundhogs  have been extinct for
millions of years. 
Fred -- Do I have to separate the two of you again? 
Chris -- He started it.
Fred -- Alright I guess it's time we go over the rule once more. Chris, what
is the rule? 
Chris -- Shut the hell up .....Larry's looking at me funny.
Larry -- I am not. And he's laughing at my pants. 
Fred -- Can I interest the two of you in a murder/suicide pact?
Chris -- (laughs) Oh Daddy you could always dissolve a tense situation with
one of your witty jabs. (laughs)  Now despite Larry's infantile childish
behavior we're actually having a good time aren't we? 
Fred -- Yeah I guess the highlight was when you got sprayed with that skunk.
Chris -- This is no skunk?
Fred -- Lovely.

(Chris blows him a kiss)

Chris --Oh jeeze ( Chris struggles with his knapsack) Ow my. Mmm Oooh You
think maybe ow we could stop and rest awhile? I am exhausted.
Fred -- We just rested five minutes ago.
Chris -- Oh Dad don't worry. We'll be back on the trail in no more than
fourty-five minutes. Now at this point what I need is a volunteer to
delicately remove my moist shoes and sock and give me the footrub to end all
footrubs. Who's it gonna be?
Fred -- If it would save your life, I wouldn't touch your feet.
Larry -- Yeah, massage your own feet.
Chris -- Eew are you nuts? I wouldn't go near 'em. 
Larry -- You know this is really great Mr. Peterson. My dad never took me
camping he was always too busy to do anything with us. I guess that's why I
spend so much time with my kids. 
Fred -- Larry, if you ever get the urge to open up to me....cork it okay? 
Chris -- You know, I think now would be a good time to practice my goose
calls.  "Here goose (starts barking) Here goosie goosie!" 
FRED -- Damn! You know I lost my watch about two miles back why don't you two
guys go back and get it for me.
Larry -- Well, that's the third time today that you've lost it Mr. Peterson.
Fred -- What can I tell ya, I got the greasiest wrists in North America.  Now
blow!
Chris -- Isn't he darling? (laughs) He's so out of his element here. (laughs)
And you wanted to go alone. Yet you need us so. Like a baby needs it's litter
box. Now you stay right here, you know how easily you get lost.
Fred -- Not easy enough. 
Larry -- Are you sure you're gonna be okay all by yourself again today?
Fred -- Get outta my face.  
Chris -- C'mon Larry we want to get back before it gets dark cause these
woods are full of sand people. 
Fred -- I can't believe those two idiots keep finding me. Well, this time
I'll just cover my tracks, swing through the trees if I have to. 

Larry -- Face it Chris, we're never gonna find your Dad. It almost seems as
if his trail has been deliberately covered up
Chris -- Do you think the sand people got him? 
Larry -- There aren't any sandpeople you cementhead. Your dad intentionally
lost us.
Chris -- Tsk Wait a second here. You're talking about my own flesh and mucus
here? I'm sorry, I sincerely doubt that. Maybe he saw a colorful butterfly
and cheerfully chased after it.  Hm Well. Luckily I am an expert tracker so. 
Larry -- Chris, we've passed this same tree four times. 
Chris -- Larry, I'm not going to be dragged into this same argument again,
okay. It's not like we're Picksie and Dicksie running around the same couch
and end-table over and over again. It's just that certain trees look similar.

Larry -- That's why the last time that we passed this tree I carved our names
in it. 
Chris -- Well, Larry that doesn't prove anything? I mean there could be
thousands of Chris and Larrys out here carving up trees. If only my parents
had let me change my name to Koko. 
Larry --Chris, It's the same tree--We're lost! 
Chris -- Alright Larry, to prove it's not the same tree I'll subject it to a
rigorous scientific analysis, okay? 

(Chris licks the tree)

Chris -- ahh. hmm. Okay well um it's becoming quite obvious to me that um,
some animal considers this tree it's territory. 
Larry -- I'm starting to get hungry. Did you pack any food? because all I
have is an assortment of sweaters.
Chris -- Did I pack any food? Jeeze. Did I pack any food?.... I don't know
let's take a look. Okay let's see here. Okay..ah..one woman's shoe....and
ah...oh a can of shoe polish.....Ooh..heh....Here's my desert island
collection of 45's. Why don'cha you take a look at those, there might be some
fun ones in there. And..uh..oh..there's an extention cord. And..let's
see...one...two...three staplers....and then just some useless stuff.
Larry -- It's all useless, why did you pack this junk?
Chris -- Ugh. Because in case the world ends while we're frolicing up here,
we'll need this stuff to rebuild society. That my friend, is called "thinking
ahead."  Oh jeeze I almost forgot...uh...My lucky can of soup. I always carry
this in my pants wherever I go in case a situation like this arises. 
Larry -- We don't have anything to open it with. 
Chris -- Well Larry don't be ridiculous. We can't open this yet. We have to
save it until we're totally and absolutely desperate....say like in another
five minutes or so. 
Larry -- I knew this trip was gonna be a disaster.
Chris -- Look even in the worse case senerio i.e. we're lost out here in the
god forsaken wilderness for god knows how long, I'm sure that my
overprotective father is frantically looking for us right this very moment. 

(Fred is fishing and whistling by the lake in his bathrobe)

Chris -- Jeeze huh. You'd think that if they can put a horse on the moon,
they could come up with a can you could open by bashing against a rock. 
Larry -- I'm really hungry Chris. I feel weak.
Chris -- Alright Larry, relax, relax. Let me see. Well according to my
survival book that I glanced through once when I was a kid, there literally
should be food all around us here. 
Larry -- Where?
Chris -- Uh Jeeze uh, How 'bout this? (Chris picks up some sand)
Larry -- I am not going to eat dirt. 
Chris -- Well Larry this is nature's perfect food. It's full of minerals and
vitimins and fiber like iron and ah styrofoam..not to mention trace elements
of mercury.So it's ahh.

(Chris eats some sand)
 
CHRIS -- Hmm Hmm. It's really not bad. It kinda tastes like chicken. Beats
store bought dirt any day.

(Chris picks a bottle cap out of his mouth)

CHRIS -- Hm hm. slurp hm oh ...seed.

(Time dissolve)(Chris takes a bite of of a treebranch)

Chris --  Hmm Here Larry--try a stick. It's an old Navajo snack treat dating
back to the early twenty-first century. It's  delicious....it's what the
Clark Bar was based on. 
Larry -- I have to get something real to eat.
Chris -- I can't believe you...after I've slaved over the topsoil. Honestly
with you, sometimes I don't know why I bother.

Larry -- Chris..over there...there's some berries. 
Chris -- ahh Larry I ah. I have kinda a bad feeling about these berries. What
if they're teeth-stainers?
Larry -- Who cares.
Chris -- waa I guess you're right.

FRED'S CAMPSITE

Fred -- Well they're probably cold, hungry, and hungry by now. I guess
legally I gotta go find 'em. 

(Fred knocks over book opened to the picture of berries with the text "
DANGEROUS--Don Not Eat! Can Cause Paranoid and Homicidal Delusions! )

(Chris and Larry are eating what's left of the nearly berryless shrub)

Chris -- My biggest fear Larry is that my Dad is hiding on the moon.
Larry -- Don' be ridiculous...the moon must be a hundred miles from here.
Chris -- Don't you think I know that, idiot? I'm of course assuming that
first he fell into a time/space..porthole.  
Larry -- Hey Chris, what happened to your head?
Chris -- Nothing.   Hey why the long face?
Larry -- uh oh Something's wrong with these berries.
Chris -- What makes you say that?
Larry -- Because they're messing up our vision. Maybe we shouldn't eat
anymore.
Chris -- Did you just call me a whore?
Larry -- No
Chris -- Are you insinuating that I'm not good looking enough to be a floor?
You...banannahead!
Larry -- That's it! This is my side of the world. Until you feel like being
civilized---stay on your own side.
Chris -- Jeeze I'm so scared...I'm so frightened. The last thing I'd ever
want to do is touch your side of the world. 
(CHRIS touches Larry's S/O/W with a "Bink!"
Larry -- For the sake of our friendship I'm gonna pretend that didn't
happen......Like hell I will!! 

(Larry tackles Chris)

Chris -- Larry...You're playing with fire...uh jeh..Us giant octopus's have a
habit of squirting poison when we think we're being attacked by underwater
poodles.
Larry -- Are you completely out of your mind?  If you weren't  fifty feet
tall I'd punch you in your bosom.
Fred -- Larry Chris Larry 
Larry -- Someone's hunting for us.
Fred -- Where are you idiots?
Chris -- And his opinion of us is low.
Fred --  tseese Where is that boy? If he falls into a gorge his mother will
make my life hell for hours. If something did happen to him...every second
counts. No time to screw around. 

(Fred stops at a rock and opens a can of coke)

Larry -- Did ja hear that? He's heavily armed.
(Fred Sneezes)
Chris -- Ohhh ahhh ahh I've been hit. (Chris flips out) I've been hit.
Don't... don't save yourself ..save yourself...I don't know nothin' about
birthin' no baby. 
Larry -- Look! There he is!
Chris -- Huh. Oh wait. No I recognize him. That's my giant talking pet
hamster "President Roosevelt." Wait..no...that's not him that's... that's my
father.  Why is he hunting for us?

(dissolve into Chris memory. Fred sinisterly lit from below)

Fred -- Allright woman. But if you ruin my weekend I'll kill. I'll terminate
you with extreme prejudice. I'll hunt you down like a dog with love handles.
I'll fill your flank with a lead rabies shot.
Gladys -- That's nice dear. Make sure he suffers.

(dissolve back)

Chris -- Oh...oh my god...This is why he's been fattening me up all those
years--I'm his ultimate trophy. Huh It all makes sense now. Him threatening
to kill me. His..his talk of suicide pacts. And his habit of chasing me
around the house with a power drill.  What I'm trying to say Larry.....is
that we've got to kill him first.

(Montage of Chris and Larry in jungle war preparation. Chris fashions a
high-tech bow-and-arrow out of a stick.)

Fred -- uh..This is Chris's lucky can of soup...and judging by the way it's
bashed in the lunkhead forgot his can-opener again.

Larry -- What went wrong?
Chris -- Jeeze I don't know.  huh I guess I should have tied the end of this
string to a tree or something.  Damn, I curse myself for not watching
cartoons more closely.
Larry -- What do we use for bait now? He stole our silver rock.
Chris -- He's toying with us Larry. It's time to teach him that we're done
playing games. 
Larry -- Great Chris. Remember when you devour your enemy--you gain his
strength.
Chris -- 'kay, I got dibs on his face. 

(Chris sneaks up on Fred and draws his bow and arrow)

Chris -- Perfect. Say cheese. 

(Chris shakes a La "Deliverance" and loses his nerve. Sends the arrow flying
beside him)

Larry -- Why didn't you kill him you idiot?
Chris -- I can't. There's just something about him..he's too..too cute and
cuddlie and cherubic and lovable. huh.. You kill him.
Larry --  Okay you pathetic-sniveling-little-baby-afraid-to-kill-someone
wuss. But you keep 'em busy while I sneak up from behind ...cause as we
passed by...I got a good look at those seven-inch fangs of his. 
Chris -- Okay. What I'll do Larry is I'll sprout wings like cupid and hover
above him.  Give me a second.  ugh ugh ugh gyeeoww.  Larry I can't get my
wings out. It must be too much cholesteral.
Larry -- Just cover him. 
Chris -- Okay freeze! Drop it right there! 
Fred -- Drop what? this pack of gum?
Chris -- C'mon Dad who do you think you're talking to?  That's obviously a
little box containing a minature walrus which when released will run
underneath my clothing and bite me in my secret parts.
Fred -- What did you do Chris eat some berries that gave you homicidal
delusions? You never fail to annoy me, boy.
Chris -- Don't call me boy.

(Larry sees Fred as a beautiful woman)

Larry -- You're gorgeous!
Fred -- Jeeze I leave you guys out here for a couple of hours and it turns
into "Lord of the Flies."
Larry -- You're the loveliest creature I've ever seen.
Fred -- I've been predicting this for years..Get the hell away from me.
Larry -- Just one kiss?
Chris -- Larry, Larry get away from him you're delusional. Can't you see,
he's not a beautiful woman?--He's a, he's a sick, bloodthirsty homicidal,
four-headed air conditioner.  Slay him c'mon. 
Larry -- I'm not gonna tangle with her she's obviously P.M.S. 
Chris -- Alright then I will.

(Larry grabs Chris and they fight)

Larry -- No.
Chris --  Oh!......Always when you do it I get so ni-feh-wey...ugh...I think
my bloodsugar's suddenly taken a nosedive, how about yours?

(They both collapse)

LATER

Larry -- Chris where are we?
Chris -- I don't know. The prom? Did our dates beat us up? 
Larry -- Oh....we were lost in the woods, remember? Look food!
Chris -- Aw yeah, huu, kinda looks like leftovers though, and I'm not hungry.
Larry -- Me either...We probably already ate it. I wonder what it was? 
Chris -- I don't know. huu...bu..wait...aww..itsaaI'm starting to remember
now, now we were hunting a, a monster that, that looked an awful lot like
my.....Oh my god Larry! We ate my Daddy!!!! 
Larry -- I don't think so Chris this smells like pork.
Chris -- Well, no that makes perfect sense. My dad loved pork. By the time he
hit sixty he was probably ninety percent pork. Oh..Damn! This is horrible.
Heeze..Actually it kinda smells sorta good, maybe I'll have just alittle
piece just to see what it tastes..... 
Fred -- It's about time you babies woke up!
Chris --  You're alive! You're alive! Oh Papa, I've never been so happy to
see you.
Fred -- Get away from me. You're still....skunkie.
Larry -- Where did this food come from Mr. Peterson?
Fred -- I killed a wild boar and shoved it down your throats while you were
sleeping.
Chris -- Wow well then, you you you saved our useless lives.
Fred -- Well I figured as long as you mother's alive I didn't want anything
to happen to you.  Now let's get the hell out of here, okay?
Chris -- So soon?
Fred -- Soon!? The weekend's over. You jerks have been asleep for fifteen
hours. 
Chris -- oooooh jeeze well. Then I guess we want to check out before noon so
we're not charged for another night.  C'mon Larry.

(Larry sees Fred as beautiful woman)

LARRY-- May I carry your backpack honey?
Chris -- Hey! Larry! Don't come on to my Dad? Jeeze. You know how much I hate
that.
Larry -- Don't laugh at my pants
Chris -- Alright, shut up! Here goosie, goosie. Goosie. Woaff Woaff Woaff
Woaff Woaff ! 
Fred -- I coulda left 'em out here.

THE END